Chuck Norris' Adventure
by The Bookmaster
Summary: Chuck Norris is on the adventure of a lifetime. What is it? Finding out who his godly parent is. And having a few fights along the way.
1. I Head to Olympus

Welcome to a story filled with drama (shazam)! Action (Kapow)! And, Chuck. NORRIS!!!

**Disclaimer: I don't own any of this. Except the jokes, but you can take the ones you like.**

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Chuck Norris. Legend. Hero. Texas Ranger. Demi-god? 

It's true. Chuck Norris is a half-blood. How could it be otherwise? With his amazing fighting moves, and unshakable moral compass? But, who is his parent?

Part 1:

I got up on the wrong side of the bed this morning. Unfortunately, my bed's against a wall. I fell through said wall into my bathroom, leaving a massive hole behind me. I sighed. Such is the life of Chuck Norris. I picked up my razor,

and some shaving cream. And guess what? I started to shave. That's the second disappointing part of the day. My chin actually shaved the razor. I punched another hole through a wall out of rage. Note to self: Reinforce walls. I

walked towards the kitchen in my apartment, and got out some Wheaties. The breakfast of champions. _Yes. I'm a champion,_ I thought. _Champion of Texas_. Oh. You didn't believe Walker, Texas Ranger? Well, believe it now! I

hopped onto my horse, and led him into a gallop, headed west. In other words, toward my eighth story window. I screamed my battle cry, "NORRIS!!!" My horse crashed through the window, and started falling towards the ground.

I simply roared, and it showed its true form: A Pegasus! It whinnied, and I continued, still flying west. Realizing I was going the wrong way, I swiftly spun my Pegasus around, heading now northwest. To New York City. The Big

Apple. I'm sure the Pegasus would like that. It would want to eat it. It neighed in agreement. Not that I needed the Pegasus to fly. Just looks cooler. Plus, people don't need to see me flying… They'd think I'm Tom Cruise being an

idiot or something. If I started yelling, "I can fly, I can fly!", and jumped up and down on a couch at least. _Today's the day! I'm going to see my god parent today!_ "FASTER, FREEDOM, FASTER!!!" The Pegasus bucked, forgetting

who its master is. I grabbed its wings, and I started to run on air. It seemed to try to say sorry, so I let it go, letting it go back to my apartment. I am a merciful soul. However, I still kept running. Towards Mount Olympus.

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Hope you enjoy the rest of the story. For those of you who are just joining the fun train, we're almost done. Sorry! Should've gotten here sooner! But, you can catch up on all the laughs, and all of the excitement.


	2. Going to the 600th Floor

Part 2:

I reached Olympus. It was different than I expected. It was the Empire State Building. I leapt towards the ground, shattering the asphalt. I winced. I didn't mean to shatter it that much. Just a little bit. Chuck Norris has to have

_some_ drama, right? I strolled through the door. It wasn't automatic, but it opened up for me. Maybe it's a haunted house today. If it were, I guess I'd just have to beat up some zombies. It wouldn't be that bad. Chuck Norris' fists

always hunger for fresh meat. Or rotten meat. Not like Rocky, tenderizing some ham. NO! Chuck Norris would only settle for making a punching bag out of a live Godzilla. Too bad one punch would obliterate all of Tokyo. I went up

to the clerk, and asked to go to Olympus. The guy looked at me like I was crazy, but I remained calm, and kind. I am a merciful soul, as I once said. I asked again, "Would you please let me up? I don't want to roundhouse kick you.

It would be unfortunate if you lost your head." I was smiling while I said this. The man glared at me. _If looks could kill, _I thought. Usually wistful thinking. But with me, it's true. I once killed a man accidentally by doing this. Also,

my dashing good looks are enough to at least put to shame, or vaporize any diva/dude who thinks they're more hot/hunkalicious than me. Never a wise decision. The man finally gave me the key, and I smiled, and said, "Good

choice." I walked into the elevator, and prepared to voyage to Olympus. Unfortunately, a fat man walked into the door, barely fitting in, and fell right before pressing the button, collapsing and accidentally pressing them all. I sighed.

Today was a trying day for Chuck Norris. But today would be the day I met my parent… It was not a day to misbehave. Those days are every other Tuesday. Today was a Thursday. I almost thought it was Tuesday, because my

pillbox just says T for two days. Fortunately, I realized my mistake, and got one in Spanish. The days have different letters then. Except martes and miercoles. I sensed trouble for me later this week…

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Chuck won't tell me more of his tale unless this gets five reviews... So, if you want more, put a review in. Yes. I'm really bribing you. Come on. The button is right below here. Go ahead. You know you wanna.


	3. I Pop the Question

Part 3:

The time had come. It was time to meet my parent. But, "WHO IZZIT?" I walked on the clouds of Olympus, not all that surprised. I'd done it before.

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I walked through the path, walking slowly, with an expected swagger. After all, Chuck Norris fears no one. I went up to the gods' thrones, and saw them all sitting around.

Poseidon was telling an over-embellished fishing tale. And that's saying a lot, due to the fact that he's a god. He was literally saying that he caught a star with his rod, and ate it. Which even I cannot do. Athena was designing something. Aphrodite was looking in the mirror. Ares was sharpening his sword (not that it needed it- it was magic). Hephaestus was building something. Artemis was being bothered by her brother as he tried to write a haiku. I think you get the point.

The gods slack off during the day. If I were a god, I wouldn't. Why? Chuck Norris doesn't slack off. Chuck Norris makes a three-toed sloth move faster. I cleared my throat loudly. No one noticed. I grabbed out chips and started eating them loudly, crunching hard. I choked loudly, losing my breath. My face started to go blue, and I began to lose consciousness. None of the gods even noticed. I easiliy spit it out when I saw it wasn't going to get their attention.

Yeah, right, like Chuck Norris is really going to choke on a potato chip and die. Chips try to choke Chuck Norris, but Chuck Norris's esophagus is made of iron. Literally. It was removed, and replaced. The surgery was painful, and intense. I nearly died during it- Hah! Another joke! WHOO! Chuck Norris is on a roll tonight!

But, anyway, I decided to shout my unmistakable battle cry to let the gods know who they offended. "NORRIS!!" I yelled, letting all of my primal might show in my normally soft, velvet voice. The gods all freaked out, Ares even letting out a girly little scream.

Zeus managed to gather up his composure and ask in a squeaky voice, "Chuck, why are you here?" I calmed myself, and said,"I wanted to know who my godly parent is. No one ever claimed me, so, since today is as good as ever, I decided to come and ask." Zeus smiled warmly and said, "Of course, loyal friend. Your parent is…"

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SUSPENSE! Yeah, I know that describing scene was boring, but I had writer's block.


	4. Tartarus, Here I Come

Part 4:

"-one of us. Sorry Chuck, I just don't know. It might've been your mom, but she obviously doesn't remember. And, it might've been your dad, but we don't remember. It's been a mystery for your whole life among us. We would be

forced to come forward, because of that boy, Percy, but no one knows. No one knows. No one knows. No one knows…" His voice continued to echo around the room. "Okay, Zeus, I get it!" He shut his mouth, and I sighed,

thoroughly disappointed. Then an idea hit me. Since I was stronger than most of these gods, maybe I was the kid of a titan! At least I'd know then! So, waving my hand goodbye, and running out of the throne room, I leapt off

Olympus, and freefell all the way to the ground, where I punched the street. A massive hole in appeared, and I kept falling, until I hit the Styx. I was almost tempted to get the curse of Achilles, but then I remembered that I was

already nearly invincible, and laughed. I jogged past Cerberus (he was cringing on the ground. He had barked at me once, and regretted it ever since. Let's just say he used to have four heads), and into the Fields of Asphodel. I

jogged through, wondering where the Furies were. Then I remembered. It's free donut day at Dunkin' Donuts. I guess Furies love donuts as much as the average American. But, I digress. I walked up to Hades' actual throne, and

asked him, "Hey, can I go to Tartarus, to see if my mom/dad is there?" Chuck Norris has no time for chitchat. "Uh, yeah, sure Chuck. Just try not to kill anything." He had a sort of nervous look on his face, and looked kind of like

he wanted me to scram. So, scram I did, all the way to the edge of Tartarus. I leapt down the hole, and wasn't that surprised with what I saw. It was a Waffle House, the place that no one would go while sober, or awake. Honestly,

even for the titans, I thought this was a little bit too much of torture. "HEY! ARE ANY OF YOU MY PARENT?"

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Surprised? And, yes, the furies do love donuts. Who doesn't?


	5. I Say Hi to Daddy

Chuck's story is almost over. How will it end? No one knows... Except for me :)

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A bunch of titans looked at me, and laughed. _Ah. They haven't heard of me._ A few ran at me, expecting an easy fight. Fortunately, it was. For me. I roundhouse kicked one, punched another, and threw the last over my shoulder, in

a matter of five seconds. After that, they all backed off. One of them asked, "Who are you?" In a disgruntled voice as ichor pooled a little at his mouth. "Chuck Norris. Texas Ranger." They all looked at each other, eyes wide,

mouths open. "Did you say… Norris?" I nodded.

They all knelt before me. "ALL HAIL NORRIS, SON OF KRONOS!" I looked around, stunned. I couldn't possibly be the son of Kronos! I realized that all those times where I wish I had more time for a project, and I did was probably because of this fact. _DAMN!_ I thought, _I could've used that in college!_

"Where is my father?" I asked, "And how do you know that I am his son?"

One titan said, "He is in the deepest pit of Tartarus. Just take two rights and a left. And, he always talked about your mother. Wilma Norris. And how she was the most beautiful woman on Earth." I smiled a little, and walked towards the pit. "Dad?" I asked, looking

awkwardly at the pit. "It's Chuck. I've come to find you." A swirling cloud of cubed meat rose from the pit. An eye looked at me, and a voice pierced my head. "Oh. Hey Chuck. What's up?" I responded appropriately, "Nothing. Just dropping by."

Kronos, Lord of Time, King of Titans was small talking with me. And I was small talking back like a pro. However, my patience was drained.

"Well, I guess if you've got nothing else to say, I'm going to go back home to Texas." I started walking back, shoulders slumped, looking nothing like the champion who had come there.

"Wait, Chuck. I've got a favor to ask of you…"

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Wow. Chuck Norris? The Son of Kronos? I know some of your heads are whirring with confusion. Don't worry. Just get a barf bag, and hold on! You'll be fine.


	6. A Favor

Ah, finally updated. There are some nice twists here...

OH Yeah! Disclaimer!

**Disclaimer: I do not own any characters, except this version of Chuck Norris. I wish I did, but, alas, I don't. I don't think I'd be here if I did.**

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I had always been fighting. Ever since I was a kid. My mom tried to hide it from me, why these monsters attacked me, and she did. But, I found out that I was a half-blood; a demigod. I had been attracting these extremely

powerful monsters from a very young age. I had been around nine when I first fought the Minotaur. I couldn't kill it, but I did manage to find a way to run away. I climbed up a tree. I had learned more about how to fight monsters,

and gotten my hands on a celestial bronze sword. I had learned how to fight, and had fought. A lot. And now, I found my dad. And he needed my help. I would give it. I told Kronos goodbye, and told him that I'd get him out. I knew

the one way I could do this would be dangerous, and reckless, but it was the only way. I would have to overthrow the gods. I would have to level Olympus, send it crashing into Manhattan. I jogged back out, and caught a train, not

really feeling like flying again. I figured it'd be more dramatic this way. I got there 10 minutes later (I sped up time. A lot.) I ran up to the elevator, after scaring the pants off of the doorman. I went up to Olympus, and it was

deserted. _Of course! There's a party at that Percy boy's house_. I ran up to the thrones, and went to sit upon Zeus'. Before I could, however, I saw a shadow in the doorway. Then, a familiar voice said, "Hey! You're not me!" I

looked at the shadow, confused, and he stepped into the light. "I'm Chuck Norris, god of geriatric martial artists who become running jokes in on-line games. Who are you? And what are you doing here?" The man said, as he

stepped into the light. He looked exactly like me, only… happier. I nearly growled at him. "I'm Chuck Norris, demititan. Son of Kronos. And I'm here to destroy Olympus. You could call it... a favor..."

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Surprised? In awe? Well, go ahead check if it's true. He really is a god. But, if that's true... Then who is our hero??? Well, I guess you'll just have to wait till I update :)

PS- Reviews are always nice. I eat them up for breakfast, lunch, dinner, supper, midnight snack, and tea time. Not necessarily in that order. And sometimes, I do have brunch... Or linner. So, I would appreciate reviews. Can't write on an empty stomach!

Our hero's quest is almost over. He has lost all of his humanity, and it seems he has a twin. Who is a god. Strange, eh?


	7. The Fight Part 1

Our friends' story is almost over. The Norrises will fight, and only one can emerge the victor... But who?

Quick note: in response to reviews, thanks everyone for reviewing.  
Second quick note: I recently learned that Chuck Norris invented his own style of martial arts. Awesome, right?

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God Chuck's POV

I was trying to comprehend the man in front of me. I was a fairly new god, becoming one after I took on a few impossible feats, and I guess that it was kind of like how Hercules had two dead versions of himself: One a god on

Olympus, and another, a shade. He was my shade, just a representation of my mortal life, left behind when I was reborn as a god. However, he had all of my strength. I could see the aura around me. I knew I would have to

fight him, and it would be one hell of a fight. The Clash of the Norrises. Forget Clash of the Titans. This would be exciting. "You are not a child of Kronos. Your father is really Zeus. Kronos lied to you in order to make you his

servant. He told you this so that you would seek revenge. Come with me, and I'll take you to Zeus, and explain." I wondered why the other gods didn't recognize that the one who asked about his father wasn't me. Then I

realized that I had the same aura as a god even as a half-blood. I might have to talk about beefing up security... Ah well. It's irrelevant now. I knew what his answer would be before he spoke it. "NEVER! Kronos _IS_ MY FATHER! I

will destroy you and prove it!" He pulled out his sword, and charged at me. I quickly grabbed one of my own out, and prepared.

Demigod Chuck's POV

I was really pissed off at this liar. First off, I am the son of Kronos. Secondly, he's acting all stuck up, like he can beat me. I've defeated every god on Olympus in several duels… And all at once another time! I swung my sword at

him, but he ducked out of the way easily. I then thrust it, but he parried, and countered, nearly stabbing my heart. I leapt backwards quickly, but he had made a small wound. I ran up, feinted, and cut him on his other side. He

fell for it, and ichor pooled on the floor. He just laughed, and leapt at me, striking too quickly for me to gain an advantage. By the time I realized his strategy, I was nearly on the edge of Olympus. He was just going to push me

off! I got really angry at him then, and roundhouse kicked him across the face, followed by a punch to the gut. He doubled over, and I began to cut at his neck. Before I could, he kneed me, and I then doubled over. I leapt back

though, and he stood, before me, ready to fight again. _Man! This guy is good! _I thought. Usually it only takes a few hits before a normal god gets thrown down.

God Chuck's POV

He was good. Almost too good for me. But not quite. I had a few more tricks up my sleeve, and I would have to watch out for his. I stood there, resting for the next confrontation, and saw that he was too. I took a few deep

breaths, and got back into my stance. I had almost lost a few times, as had he. Now, we were both tired, and both desperate to end it quick. The next sequence will be even more exciting… I spat out some ichor that had been

pooling in my mouth. Much more exciting…

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Tell me what you think of the POV changes... Thanks!


	8. The Fight Part 2 and the End?

Disclaimer: I don't own anything except the OOC all of the people you know and love. Not even the Monty Python reference.

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I gripped my sword tighter. I saw my reflection ahead of me, and ground my feet deeper into the stone. I started charging towards him as he charged at me, and I swung my sword up for a blow to the head just as he did. It was

too late to block, so I let it hit me, with an intense agony…

MEANWHILE…

Mike Tyson woke up in his bed, feeling like his head was cut off. Hermes stood before him solemnly. Mike, being a son of Ares, was pissed off. "Hermes, why the Hades do I have this headache?" Hermes stood there, only seeming

slightly shocked at something. "When Chuck Norris fights Chuck Norris, Mike Tyson loses. Everyone knows that…" *insert laugh track here*

Back at Olympus…

When the two combatants had finished their duel, a gigantic explosion occurred, leaving a thick smog around them. The few watchers (mostly minor gods, and one particular satyr, Grover, who was looking for some cheese

enchiladas when the Chucks started brawling) had no clue where either had been, lost in the sheer complexity of their duel. They had been wearing practically the same thing, so it was hard to tell them apart. So, when one

stood, and turned towards the crowd, and lifted his sword above his head with one had while yelling, "NORRIS!", no one knew whether to cheer, bow down before their master, or run around yelling like a girl, with wet

undergarments. Only Grover did the last one, but the others remained unusually silent. Especially unusual for the sons and daughters of Aphrodite. (in fact, plot device. I'm the author, so I say that all of the Camp Half-Blood kids

were magically teleported there against there will by some supreme entity who seems to be controlling their thoughts and movements… No worries. I'm not going to take advantage of the possible Percabeth moment.) Being

entirely stunned, out of nowhere, all of the kids teleported to Olympus, right behind Grover. As soon as seeing where he was, Percy quickly slapped his hands to his cheeks, and yelled, "OH NO! AN AUTHOR HAS JUST USED A

PLOT DEVICE TO GET US ALL HERE!" He promptly began to shove Annabeth off of Olympus, until he realized that the author wasn't going to make a lovey-dovey scene. He calmed down, and looked ahead, realizing what had

happened. "We need to find out which Norris this is!" Percy thought for a second (yeah, it surprised him too.), and a light bulb appeared above his head. "I will ask you three questions! These will determine if he is who he says he

is!" Everyone nodded, agreeing with his logic.

"First question: What… is your name?" The crowd inhaled quickly,

"Chuck Norris" They sighed in relief. Percy said, reluctantly, "Correct. Next question. What… is your quest?" Chuck Norris thought for a minute, then said, "To find the Holy Grai- I mean, To find myself" Percy thought for a

second, then said, "Correct. I guess. I'll give it to you for the sake of the plot. Final question… What… is the air-speed velocity of an unladen swallow?"

Chuck Norris thought for a moment and then said "It depends. Is it an African or European swallow?" Percy said, "Well, I don't know!" And then was launched off Olympus. Annabeth laughed, and said, "He's the god. Not even

the regular Chuck Norris would know that." Everyone proceeded to cheer, and all was well and good. Until, of course, someone said, "Well, where's the body?" Everyone, of course, quieted down quickly after that. "The other

Norris has merged with me, allowing us both to coexist in a more peaceful harmony. And stuff." And there was much cheering, and celebrating. There. Happy now? The story's over. That's all. THE

END!

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Since it just occurred to me that this is a lame ending, I'm going to extend the fighting, maybe bump up the rating, and make everything better. It's official. Get ready.


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